Sunday, 4 August 2013

Dear Nespresso or The End of the Affair

Dear Nespresso,

I remember when we first met, it was in Geneva 2006.  You were the popular kid and I just wanted to fit in.  You had that beautiful shop on the quai Gustav Ador across from the Lake; I wandered in, feeling decidedly uncool overwhelmed by your smooth but distant charms.  In awe, I soon succumbed along with every other Swiss citizen and bought your Turmix.  Your design, your ease, your psychedelic-coloured capsules seduced me.  George Clooney convinced me that I was doing the right thing, and with Swiss efficiency, I recycled those beauties whilst building a flotilla of flashy capsules neatly stacked in my pantry, and adding an Aerocino to the mix.  I was besotted.

Much Love,

Your biggest fan



Dear Nespresso,

It was 2011, and our affair continued down under.  I have forgiven you for my failed Turmix and have moved on to a shiny vamp of a Citiz.  I forgave you, too, for my burnt-out Aerocino and have bought another.  I even forgave you for those more expensive brightly-coloured beauties.  My mother and sister-in-law have also succumbed to your charms.  I have doubts, though, and am beginning to question our relationship.  I now live in Melbourne, the mecca of coffee culture, where the flat white is an art form.  Suddenly, you don't seem quite so seductive, quite so elusive yet still I am loyal.  I add a sleek disposal unit enabling me to recycle in style.  Still, George doesn't move me quite the same way.  I was less besotted.

Sincerely,

Your loyal fan


Dear Nespresso,

It is July 2013, I have been loyal for seven and a half years.  It has been an imperfect relationship.  I feel like I have given more than you and that only one of us has been constant and true.  My shiny vamp of a Citiz has failed me.  You have turned your back; spurned me.  You scoffed, unmoved at my distress.  "Pay a $150 repair fee or buy a new one" your only response.  My pleas that purchasing a 3rd machine in seven years seemed unfair and perhaps spoke to quality, fell on deaf ears.  I demonstrated to you that I have spent thousands of dollars over the years on your kaleidoscope palette of capsules.  I even argued that it made no business sense to lose me over  a $150 repair fee given the future we could have together; the thousands more you could count on from me if our affair were to continue.  You were unmoved, cold, business-like.  Did I ever mean anything to you? I am deceived.

Citiz, Turmix and Aerocino relegated to my garage floor
Betrayed,

Your no-more fan


Dear Nespresso,

Before I bid you a final farewell, I would like to remind you of the principled individual that I am.  I have always recycled your capsules, I do not shop at Walmart, I support same-sex marriage, I avoid factory-raised chicken and eggs, and stand up for what I perceive to be right and compassionate in the world.   You have forsaken me and I am not afraid to say it.  We cannot be friends and I don't wish you well.  I have moved on and in a big way.

Let me introduce you to Giotto, our new love.  To be honest, C2 took advantage of your disloyalty to indulge a passion and invest in something that will be loyal a lifetime.  We are partnering with local Melbourne-based roasters to supply fresh beans thereby supporting local business and frankly delivering a superior experience.




You could have kept me dangling for years to come, Nespresso, but I am stronger, happier, and little-more buzzed in my new relationship.  Your gaudy-coloured capsules cannot compare to the new grinding, tamping, brewing and steaming experience, we and our new love are engaged in.

Giotto and I are equal partners; something we never were.

Ciao!

Australian Family Hendricks


5 comments:

Katie Hayoz said...

Love it!

DL NELSON said...

Wonderful writing, great photos...Love it love it

Jen said...

This elicited a very inelegant snort from me :) thanks for the giggle, albeit at your expense! How I remember my brief fling with your n espresso machine in Geneva!

Anonymous said...

Great post! And I can't wait to ditch our Nespresso too and get a proper machine. :)
Love seeing your occasional pics on FB, it looks like you're having a fab time in Australia. We just miss you here of course!
xo
Tima

Sheila Cook said...

Woah baby...that IS serious...saying goodbye to Nespresso??? Your new machine frankly scares me...too shiny...too big...too laborious... I too have had to buy a new Nespresso after 8 years of a healthy and happy relationship. It's a Magimix. Simple,small,efficient, and I'm back in love. I am disappointed that you have abandoned our little coffee maker. We will miss you in our little fan club...